I want to write you a letter. Unfortunately, by the time the letter will reach you, you would be back home for a good 3 weeks. I want to write you a sonnet, prose, poetry. Really, I just want to write you a letter. Words of a siren to lure you back into my arms.
“I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.”
–Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz
There has been those moments in the relationship where you and I will “rubber band” each other. One will pull away and it shall pull us back. There has been those moments in your sleep when I look upon your face and think of the foundation you and I had laid. I want this foundation to be strong, to be built by values, character, and unquenchable love.
I drove my roommate to the airport and as we drove through that adorable neighborhood, all my heart did was ache. It ached for a future it hasn’t worked for. It was aching for a life and a home with you. It ached for your entire being to be held close against me. I was aching for things I haven’t experienced, and for the people I have yet met.
Sometimes I wonder if me taking my life savings, flying out of here, and creating a life in the midst of no where would be beneficial. I want to learn something that can’t be taught in schools. This same craving, is a craving for things I haven’t had. Yet my heart aches for these things as if it were a long lost love.
I just need to see something besides the skylines and paved roads.
I always feel like my birthday falls on the most inconvenient day for me. Right before finals. Right before a memorial for a deceased friend. Right before my uncle goes for another round at battling cancer. Right before A and Z and everything inbetween.
Maybe I’m being petty.
Yes I am being petty.
This school year overall has slowly taken a toll on me. I’m not the brightest student in the bunch, and I do spend a lot of my time procrastinating and cramming last minute. As the course load gets harder and I take on more responsibilities outside of my own academic life, I find myself falling behind, stressing out, and freaking out about my own future plans.
I can’t help but feel like I’m not adequate enough. I’m not good enough to compete in the pool of applicants for optometry school. Hell, I’m not even fit to be here right now at university. I become so overburdened with my in inadequacies that I cannot get myself to move out of my own state of frustration.
I do pray for God’s plan to be revealed in due time, I’m still lacking in some faith, and I’m going to need His mighty hand to intervene.
The nice thing about being involved in patient care is knowing at the office I work at, we get immediate results. That’s probably one of the most rewarding things about optometry job. A piece of glass mends your vision, and sometimes a piece of plastic inserted into your eyeball can help readjust some words on a wall for you,
Another wonderful perk, I am constantly interacting with different people. Today an adorable couple came in, no older than 50, and both of them still seemed like they were teenagers starting out in their dating life. They were telling me of their children and grandchildren and as soon as the husband was called to the exam room, his wife asks sheepishly
“can I come along?”
I told her kindly that she was free to go with him. Literally seconds after, he grabs her hand and pulls her along and tells her sweetly
“I can’t go anywhere without you, baby!”
My heart melts at work every day that I am there.
I don’t mind calling insurance companies and I don’t mind dealing with some irritable patients, all in all, everyone walks out happy and seeing with a new pair of eyes…it feels like
Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
So as you may have read my about, this blog is primarily to merge my spiritual life and integrate it into my daily student/work life.
The above passage was in my devotional today and it made me sit and reassess the ways I’ve been gluttonous with my endeavors. I often choose to spend more time studying and I put off quiet times. I’d rather do my work than sit back for a few moments to praise God for giving me the gift of education and schooling. I end up choosing a lot of other things over giving God my time of day. This is troublesome.
The devotional describes the different forms of gluttony and our biggest asset against our own nature to indulge is through fasting. It can be fasting from foods, sweets, and other doo dads. But fasting encompasses a lot more than that, it is an act in which we go with the absence of X thing. We purposefully go without to feel the absence of our indulgence and to prayerfully evaluate its existence in our lives, whether it be positive or negative. We go through a painful (or at least sometimes) phase in which we want to fall back into indulging, but I encourage everyone to press through. The emptiness/void that we feel needs to be filled with something more fulfilling. We need to fill it with time with God.
Our hearts, body, mind, and even world emphasizes the idea of balancing all of our activities together. I say, we can never fully achieve that until we put in the time with God and find a balance with Him first before we tack on other responsibilities.
As for the lenten season, a time of growth and repentance, I had given up spending time with my boyfriend after a set hour. To be completely honest, I haven’t been faithful to that endeavor. I instead wanted to cuddle for a bit longer, make excuses to study at his apartment or vice versa. I indulge in our time together because I in a way idolize the relationship, and on most occasions I end up putting him before our God.
I’m hoping to be more honest with myself instead of burying away my mistakes. With that I’m going to go into devotional mode much earlier than usual, to avoid the chance of me wanting to crawl back into boyfriend’s arms. I also will start working on other relationships outside of ours, to create new ones and to strengthen old ones, and hopefully, God willing, they will help fill in the void of boyfriend’s presence. I just pray that the relationships I choose to mend, make, and strengthen are all glorifying to our loving God. :]